Sadness Has A Weight Of Its Own

"But the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23

Sadness. It has a way of pressing down on your chest.

Your sobs pour out in labored lunges, forced by the pressure you feel. It is hard to breathe.

I was awoken this morning with the urgent call to come down to the hospice care facility where my friend was fighting his last hours against cancer today.

Andy Tofel passed away into the Glory of the Lord today surrounded by people that loved him dearly. We cried a lot. We mourned the loss of our brother, our friend, our husband, our child, our grandchild, our father, our nephew…our BROTHER. But during the day, we could not be sad for long stretches. We inevitably transitioned into conversations of what a wonderful man Andy is. What a tremendous blessing that he was to everyone who had the good fortune of knowing him.

I cannot think of one of the 'fruits of the spirit' that are mentioned in Paul's Letter to the Church at Galatia that Andy didn't display in my 21 years of knowing him. Emails and text-messages came pouring in to the family as we were gathered around his bedside. The nurses told us that hearing was the last sense to go. So we talked to him. And we read notes from people. The stories were amazing. Andy touched so many people in such a direct and personal way that it is hard to exaggerate his influence amongst those who knew him, however tangentially it may have been.

I think I speak for everyone there when I say a note of gratitude for all the love expressed and felt throughout this time. As I gather my thoughts and prayers, I will write more of Andy, for he is worthy of the effort and will be too sorely missed for words to express so soon after.

He was a once in a lifetime friend for most of us and, as hard as it is, it is harder still to think of a man more deserving or worthy to send to glory today.

Andy would have been embarrassed by this kind of talk and would have noted how he too was a sinner, and unworthy of God's grace…which makes me feel all the smaller, meaner, and less significant…and more grateful for Andy's friendship in my life.

Thank you Lord, God Almighty, for Andy Tofel, without which my life would have been much nastier and more brutish. I go to sleep now, hoping the weight of the sadness is lifted tonight by the irresistible joy that comes from remembering his life.

Tears From Heaven, Fall Like Rain

There is something magical and breathtaking about rain falling on the desert, even in winter.  There was a great sadness that came over me today, and the storm clouds came in over Tucson, as if to sympathize.  It was a cold spell that rolled in today, because the day before it was 70 degrees.  The rain would drizzle and spit for awhile, and then the clouds would open up to pale blue sky and sun for a bit, then a dark cloud would rush in and sprinkle some more. 

These swings would coincide similarly to my ability to contain my sadness.  I started to think that my mood was much like the sky today, here and there pulling it together for some sunshine and losing it again to rain.  Like the tears, falling from heaven to sympathize. 

I decided that my sadness was caused by an event for which the angels in heaven were in attendance and had an interest in the outcome.  Then I began to see the beauty in the sunshine playing joyfully with the clouds, creating mozons and reflections, backlighting and haziness.  As I drove towards home, the mountains were shrouded in mist, which always makes them seem like islands and of stunning beauty.

As I observed this, my sadness was tempered with a realization of the eternal nature of God and the vastness of His creation; "Cease striving, and know that I AM God." Psalm 46.  The words "the tears of heaven fall like rain" came into my mind and I started to see the heavens pouring out their tears upon the earth

In my Bible study group this evening we looked at the 30^th chapter of the book of Isaiah and I ran across this; 

"Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him.
O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you.  Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher.  Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left"  Isaiah 30:18-21

And I was stricken.  In this sadness, I have seen a glimpse of the "bread of privation and water of oppression", and in that moment the beauty of the Lord's creation was splendid before my eyes.  And I cried out.  And my eyes saw the heavens sending tears down to the earth.  And I contemplated the restorative and healing nature of water falling upon the desert, and my eyes beheld my Teacher.

Amidst great sadness, is great joy that can be found if one focuses on God.  Amidst great suffering is great wisdom and beauty and love.  We can choose to focus on the privation and oppressions of your life, or on the countless blessings.  We can be resentful, hurt and angry, or thankful, encouraged, and joyous.  The choice is ours.

"Who can hold the oceans, in the hollows of His hands?" 

Let us pray for the green pastures and still waters offered us in Psalm 23, and the peace and rest that surpasses all understanding.  Amen.